Forward?!

To,

The Consortium of Loose, Pub-going, Forward Women,

What happened in the Mangalore pub was very unfortunate and whoever was responsible must be duly punished. Freedom cannot be compromised.

But, a few points need clarification …

1) Do you claim to be ‘forward’ because you are loose and you go to pubs?

2) If not, is it because of the pink chaddies that you are ‘forward’?

3) And if none of these is true, how do you substantiate your claim of being ‘forward’?

As the reasons for your ‘forward’ness are not visible in any of the media articles pertaining to you, kindly answer the above questions. Or else drop the word from your name so that it won’t misguide the people.

Thank You.

Bahut dino ke baad …

This one is hilarious!

Firstly, it is pretty clear that the World Association of Sexologists (if it exists!) has nothing to do. So they study how arbitrary factors such as, well, the financial crisis, the exact number of hair on Viru paaji’s head or maybe how many times I sneeze in a day would affect the bedtime rituals of couples in our country.  And secondly, how in the hell does this study affect people? Those who don’t want to have sex won’t and maybe some others will. However reading such crap does give me big time entertainment and who better than the ToI to give it? This is surely the quote for the day:

“Teji ma time nathi, mandi ma mood nathi” (No time for sex during a bull run, no mood for it during a crash)

Reminded me of this.

Here’s a thought … Probably due to the financial crisis, men are saving up their reproductive juices in case they go bankrupt someday and have to sell sperm for a living. Totally possible!

How I got a ticket to Wimbledon

It’s a well known fact in quizzing circles and even outside that the Centre Court at Wimbledon is going to have a retractable roof by 2009. The immediate outcome of this construction is that there are more seats available in the stands this year. Obviously, these seats were not sold before the event began as no one was certain that they would be available. So, they sold these tickets online via ticketmaster everyday at 8.30 pm local time for the matches to be held on the next day. A novel scheme.

Taking advantage of this facility, I bought one of these tickets. The seat was somewhere high up in the stands but the chance of seeing live tennis on Centre Court was a rare one. Since I do not have a ticketmaster account and I am probably not going to need one in the near future, I bought the ticket using my aunt’s account.

Next morning I took the train to Southfields station and reached the grounds at 10.30. Then things started to mess up. At the entrance, the security bloke asked me for a proof of identity. Now the ticket bore my aunt’s name and there was no way I could have matched my face with hers. So I explained the situation to them and offered to submit a proof of my own identity as Kaustubh Bhat and a proof of my relation with her. Sounds fair enough. Then a lady in charge of all grievances and disputes told me that no proof would be of help and that only my aunt could enter on that ticket.

Then I offered to call my aunt there for them to verify my claim. But the lady didn’t budge. I stood there feeling hopeless and pretty pissed off. But at the same time probably my face looked very pitiable too because immediately she said,”Well, we are releasing about five to six Centre Court tickets right now. I you want one, I will keep one for you. But you will have to pay cash.” Joy! I practically ran to the ATM, got cash and immediately bought the ticket.

Now fate has weird ways of working. The seat I got now was right behind the referee 12 rows behind. So all the crap I suffered was quite worth it with me ending up with a better seat. Just like the great Birbal said – “Jo hota hai so achche ke liye hota hai”

Tales from Britannia – The Unfinished Tales

Some of the stuff I wanted to do but couldn’t -

• Visit the Stonehenge
• Drive a Mercedes (which I could have done if I had gone to Mercedes-Benz World on a weekend instead of a weekday)
• Meet the Queen (I couldn’t have done that anyway but wtf)
• Watch the Champions League final in a Manchester pub (I was in my aunt’s house in Surrey with a bad cold an light fever)
• Go to Old Trafford (I already mentioned that before)
• Watch Eric Clapton live (which was going to happen on the day I landed in Mumbai)
• Stand in the famous overnight queues for daily Wimbledon tickets (I got the ticket without all the trouble … The story of how I got the tickets will come in a later post)
• Buy a guitar (No money)

All this probably next time.

Tales from Britannia – The Final Chapter

My 47 day stay in England has finally ended and indeed it has been an awesome experience. Fortunately enough, my last week there turned out to be the high point of the whole thing and I got to see Rafael Nadal play on Centre Court at Wimbledon. My seat was right behind and to the right of the referee 12 rows behind. On the downside, all the three matches were straightforward sfaairs with the victors not dropping a set. But then again you can’t get everything.

It was also to my tremendous bad luck that I did not get a chance to go to Old Trafford. I made up for it by say 80% when I went to the Enirates Stadium in North London. Why Emirates? Well, skillwise I would say that Arsenal are unmatched in the EPL (even better  than United) and hence they are quite an admirable side. Anyway, the stadium is quite well built. There is a beautiful museum chronicling the history of the Gunners.

The last two days were spent in trying to pack (and re-pack) the horrendous amount of stuff I had to take back with me. The flight back on Friday was very very uncomfortable leaving me stiff for the best part of Saturday. On landing, it felt amazing to finally smell the wet, sweaty and salty air of Mumbai, a moment which was surely the cherry on the icing …

And by the way …

… on Tuesday I am going to Wimbledon to see the day’s action on Centre Court!

Another “kick” into the wall …

… probably that’s what van Basten said after the shocking (and humiliating) loss to the Russians. Like the commentator on ITV (which by the way is big TV station and has got nothing to do with the ITV that airs silly Hindi remixes and pop songs in India) said, Guus Hiddink shot up to number one on the list of the biggest traitors of all time when Arshavin deposited the ball into the goal in the 117th minute.

Was it a rude (not ruud) shock seeing the Dutch being demolished? Definitely! But looking back at the tournament, it was quite clear that predictions were gonna be difficult to make. For instance, Klasnic’s goal in the quarters for Croatia should have been the nail in the Turkey’s coffin. But the Turks found late magic/luck and were able to beat Croatia against all odds.

In all, a fantastic tournament is at hand. Everything from the most brilliant to the most stupid is happening. Hiddink is still the ‘Midas’ of big tournaments. Anything can happen. I get to watch all the matches(except the final) in high definition on a 50″ TV. Spain are still in it. The Italians are out. What more can i ask for?

Tales from Britannia – V

Daily life here is a bit of an oddity. For one, what you do has nothing to do with what you want to do. I mean it is quite normal on weekdays when people have schools, colleges, jobs and the like. But on weekends when you have free time, you need blessings from the Almighty to achieve your goal. Why? The bloody English rain!

Normally a family guy here would come home after work Friday evening and check the BBC website for the weather forecast. If BBC predicts more rain than ‘light showers’, then he seriously considers spending time at home with his kids playing Cluedo. If any other prediction pops up, then he declares to his family,”Its gonna be a bright and sunny day tomorrow so better start preparing for a picnic.” Now there are so many parks in this country that land developers in India would go crazy deciding where to start building first. So, picnics are all too frequent.

But then again, the ‘weather’man is no ‘rain’man and is even more unreliable than the Indian cricket team. So ever so often you end up with a wet, soggy picnic or you end up spending a perfectly beautiful day inside your house watching stupid stuff on TV. Then you spend atleast 2 hours cursing the weather guy for ruining a hard earned weekend. 

Surprisingly, at night the same guy finds himself staring at his computer screen again reading what the skies have in store for him tomorrow. Now I know what its like to be under the weather … 

Heard what did the director of that porn flick said?

Lights, Camera … aaaannddd … Suction!

Kick Off

I have been following football since the turn of the millennium; so I have seen all the major competitions after AD 2000. Euro 2008 is by far the most exciting one I have seen. The first week has been a show of brilliant football. Now since no newspaper wants me to write for them, I’m gonna go ahead and be audacious enough on posting my opinions.

Group A : Portugal, Czech Republic, Switzerland, Turkey

Switzerland are already out after a 2-1 defeat at the hands of Turkey. But the Turks have a tough challenge up ahead as they face the Czechs. Portugal have by far been the best side in the group and their qualification is justified. Two years ago, the Czechs would have been formidable opponents with likes of Nedved, Smicer and Poborsky. But in the absence of a stable midfield, the opportunities for Koller and Baros up front are limited. Turkey on the other hand are a young side and have a good striker in Nihat. But their ability to cope up with the pressure is debatable.

Group B : Germany, Poland, Austria, Croatia

Germany look set to qualify from this low profile group. Austria were the lowest rated team but they showed some good form against Croatia although they ended up losing 1-0. Croatia and Poland will be favourites to become the second team to qualify after Germany, but Austria may have a surprise or two up their sleeves.

Group C : The Netherlands, Italy, France, Romania

The Dutch are back! Their confidence must be at an all-time high after routing the world champions 3-0. The French played lacklustre football in their opening game in which Romania made them look even worse than the English. Clearly, they need Thierry Henry to play if they are going to stand any chance of going through. The Italians are a fine squad but their famous defense is showing big leaks in the absence of captain Fabio Cannavaro. Personally, I want the underdogs Romania to go through.

Group D : Spain, Sweden, Russia, Greece

Perennial under-performers Spain started their campaign superbly. Their forwards form probably the most lethal combination in this tournament. The Russian side showed flashes here and there, but their inexperience was obvious. Sweden started off well with Ibrahimovic finally scoring in an international game. The Greeks proved why their Euro 2004 victory was a fluke. The defending champions look like they are going to be the first ones eliminated from that group. My money is on Spain and Sweden going through.